Monograph

A Monograph, Monologue And Cautionary Tale On The Early Usage Of The Electric Dental Drill, Patented 26 January 1875, In 500 Words

1880

Now stop being a cry baby. Dr Dalton has the very latest thing to get rid of that toothache.

No. Weve tried oil of cloves, and weve tried the roasted onion - although personally Im sure thats for earache, not toothache - so were going to see Dr Dalton.

Now look, whose fault is that? How many times have I told you not to eat all those sweets? That toffee is so bad for you. Ive told you time and again to eat proper meals, like the rest of us.

No, candyfloss isnt going to be any better!

Yes, but these are youre baby teeth. They arent as strong as your permanent teeth. All that sugar must have rotted them.

I dont know why! I never ate toffees like you! And Im not sitting here listening to you whining on until your next set comes through! Youre going to the dentist, and youre going now!

Well, perhaps having to go to the dentist might teach you a lesson about eating properly.

Were going now! And I mean now! Im coming with you, and were going to get it fixed.

Yes, itll be alright. I promise.

***

Later, in Harley Street

Yes, Doctor. Thank you for seeing us so late, and at such short notice. Im afraid hes a little - different - around the face. And his teeth are different to most people. Take that scarf off, let the Doctor see. No, Doctor, he wont bite. Theres nothing to be afraid of. Its a family thing.

No, just sit in that chair. Yes, that big one. It wont hurt a bit.

No, I think ether might upset him. Dont worry, Doctor, Ill hold him down. Its that left top incisor. Yes, that sharp one. He will insist on eating too many toffees. Ive told him time and time again, but perhaps hell listen to you.

Yes, were ready now, just whirr away.

OUCH! Get your claws out of my hand, will you!

****

See, that really wasnt too bad was it?

Oh, now look what youve done. Youve spiked Dr Dalton in the eye with his electric dental drill. I guess Ill call you Spike after this!

Oh, for crying out loud give him here. Ill deal with him. I suppose a dentist as a minion might come in useful if you wont stop eating all those sweets.

Yes, his eye will be fine, once he rises. And no, before you ask, Im not carrying him all the way home. You damaged him, you can carry him - Spikey!

(Snigger) No, you can tell Darla and Dru anything you like, but *I* know why Ive given you that name. Was that the best you could manage?

Well, youve still got a lot to learn. Got him? Good. I think Ill just bring this drill with us, in case you get another cavity before your other teeth come through. And Im sure Ill be able to find some games to play with it, or my name isnt Angelus.

THE END

27 January 2004

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