When you kiss me, I wanna die.
So many moments have passed between them yet every time she’s around him, she feels like she’s sixteen all over again. They’ve never had their fairy tale moment that they should have considering that they fell in love when she was sixteen. Instead their love affair’s been one full of horror and angst. It’s not that they don’t love one another, even after she’s run him through with a sword after kissing him or that he’s betrayed her with Darla. Even now, they still love one another with a passion that always seems to be on the verge of consuming the both of them.
Buffy has kissed so many others in an attempt to find what she feels every time she’s in the same room with Angel. The kisses have all been passionate and they’ve made her feel but at the same time, they’ve left her empty and hollow after the fact. She’s done her best to move on and on and on but every time she comes back to the same place: a place that Angel occupies in her mind and heart and soul. And no matter what she felt for the others, it pales in comparison to what she continues to feel for Angel.
Everything always comes back to Angel. Whether she wants it to or not. And Buffy’s not quite sure what’s worse: the fact that she can’t ever be happy with someone because of what she continues to feel for Angel or the fact that she can’t just get over him. She refuses to think about the fact that she knows he feels the same way. She doesn’t want to think that somewhere out there Angel is hurting as much as she is over the fact that they both desperately want one another but they can’t have each other because of who they are.
The Slayers that look up to her because she is the Buffy Anne Summers tend to whisper in hushed and reverent tones about her love affair with Angel. To them it’s the romance of two mortal enemies being in love with one another. To the Slayers that whisper about it, it’s not so much a doomed love affair between a vampire with a soul and a Slayer, instead it’s a living version of Romeo and Juliet. When she overhears them it drives a knife in her heart each and every time because they don’t understand anything about what she feels for Angel, they don’t understand that if Angel becomes overwhelmed with happiness around her (and not just physical happiness) he becomes a soulless monster. A soulless monster that wants to completely destroy her in every single way he can.
The fact that happiness is what can destroy Angel and turn him into Angelus, a soulless monster is what holds her back. Until they can find away to do away with the curse, to make his soul permanent, Buffy knows that she’ll never be ready to take a chance. She’ll be forever left cold, hollow and empty when it comes to love because she can’t have the one that she truly wants. And it’s not as if she can ask Willow to hunt down a spell to anchor Angel’s soul permanently. There are far too many tasks that require Willow’s abilities for Buffy to be completely selfish. And she knows that if she were to ask Willow for that one small insignificant favour, Buffy would have to pay for it.
And she knows that the form of payment would be unpleasant and would weigh down on her until the joy of being with Angel would be tarnished with it. How can she ask Willow to focus on finding a spell that will allow her to have Angel when everyone else needs Willow more? If Willow were focused on a task for Buffy, who would cast the daily spells to find lost Slayers out there? Who would cast the spells that allowed the new Council head quarters to run smoothly and efficiently without an army of Watchers?
Truthfully in the end, Buffy knows that despite what she had told Angel on the eve of the final battle in Sunnydale, there will be no future for them. There will be no magical moment when she’s done and they can finally be a couple again. Something will always stand between them, whether it’s the fact that she’s a Slayer and he’s a vampire or some other intangible factor. Despite their never-ending love for one another, it will never be enough. Not in a world that still needs a Slayer to vanquish evil.
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Summary: There’s a reason why Buffy and Angel never really work out whenever they try.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayerbelongs to Joss Whedon & company.
Notes: Set post-Season Seven of Buffy the Vampire Slayer,but not Season Eight compliant.