dog in the manger
“Aaaaugggh!” Angel’s cry shook the tray of instruments on the hospital bed next to him.
“Hold still, vampire. Your thrashing will not ease your discomfort.” Illyria stood at the foot of the bed in Wolfram & Hart’s medical wing.
“Spike. Why is she here?” Angel gritted out.
“Because we couldn’t find Wesley, and Blue’s got all of Fred’s knowledge stuffed in her noggin.”
“I don’t need a fucking midwife! You’re the one who got me into this mess. You do it!”
Spike held up his hands. “I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies.”
“You don’t know nothin’ ’bout makin’ them, either, yet here I am. God!” Angel howled.
Spike pouted. “Hey. Just ’cause I never made one before doesn’t mean I don’t know how it’s done. Quite skilled in that area, actually. Seem to recall you enjoyed it alright.”
“Wish I’d never let you talk me into that. Fuck! I hate you!”
“Oh, give it up, will you? ’Sides, you loved it. Don’t tell me you didn’t.”
“ ‘Just this once, Angel. You’ll like it, Angel. What’ll it hurt you, Angel?’ FUUUUCK!” The metal bars on the side of the bed buckled under his grip. “One time, and I wake up the next day with a smug vampire in my bed and a bowling ball coming out my ass!” Angel’s foot shot out and kicked Spike in the groin for emphasis. He flew across the room.
“Silence!” Illyria commanded. “Spike is not at fault in this matter. I impregnated you while you slept.”
“What? YOU did this?” Angel wished frantically for a spell that could make him shoot laser beams out his eyes.
Spike staggered to his feet, clutching his groin. “What in bloody hell’d you do that for?”
“Because she’s a fucking psycho-bitch hellgod, that’s why!”
“Not her, you prat. You. Why’d you kick me?”
“Seemed like the thing to do,” Angel panted. “CHRIST! Get it out, get it out!”
“Oh, stop wingeing. A hundred years living with Darla and another hundred in hell… How bad can this pain be?”
“Darla didn’t find it any picnic, either,” Angel growled.
Spike frowned. “Blue, get him some painkillers. He’s delirious.”
“Don’t you fucking touch me, you megalomaniac!” Angel thrashed as Illyria approached him. “What the hell were you thinking, making me PREGNANT?!”
Illyria lifted her chin. “I wished to experience the miracle of birth.”
“Hate to break it to you, Blue, but the miracle of birth is something humans get up to, not vampires.”
“And not MEN!” Angel cried.
“You are the strongest warrior in this kingdom. You are the only one fit to carry my spawn.”
“Spawn! Great, I’m gonna have something with tentacles slithering out my ass.”
“Do you think me foolish, vampire? A demon child would not survive a day at your hands. I have made the child human, so you will have affection for it.”
“Gotta tell ya, lady… right about now, I hate this fucking thing more than you and Spike put together. AAAARRRRRRGHH!”
“I grow weary of your cries.” Illyria plunged a hand into Angel’s belly, and a swirling vortex of blue light opened around her arm. Seconds later, she pulled out a human baby: pink, perfect, and miraculously clean.
She wrapped the baby in blankets, then laid it in Angel’s arms. “You will care for it. When his time is ready, he will help me regain my kingdom… and deliver me from this fetid existence.” Then she turned on her heel and left.
Spike moved over to stand by Angel’s bed. He smiled as he watched Angel, cradling the baby in his arms, looking down on its tiny face and fluttering eyelids.
Spike put an arm around Angel’s shoulder. “It is sort of a miracle, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Angel breathed.
“He’s got his mother’s eyes.”
“I don’t know,” Angel said. “I think he kind of looks like…”
“Lunch?”
“Yeah, what the hell. I’ve already got a kid.”