God Offended

God Personally Offended by Angel and Cordelia

By Liss

AN2: please don't flame. this was meant for entertainment. also, the actual disclaimer being, no, i dont know God, no, i dont interview the actors, etc.

***

God watches TV and is personally offended by the C/A ship. "I didn't give him a soul to be stupid" said God in his most recent interview...

--New York. Last Sunday, the Nielsens recorded an all time high for the WB netlet show, Angel: the Series. Astonished, insiders did some research and discovered the dramatic increase was due to God's personal television set, which hadn't been used since the airing of a previous episode, "I Will Remember You." (Note: God's television weighs heavily in the Nielsens, as God is more important than the average viewer.)

In an earlier interview about IWRY, God said He was embarassed by the decisions of his associates: The Powers That Be and the Oracles, who forced such a stupid decision on His "favorite couple since Lucy and Ricky Ricardo." In addition, God had said that He had never witnessed such chemistry between characters since he wrote the old family favorite of "Adam and Eve," to keep himself busy.

"Really," said God, "I was on the verge of promoting Joss [Whedon, creator of BtVS and AtS] to Cosmic Entertainer." God, if you're listening, we were entertained, too. However, after IWRY, God ironically lost his faith-- in the teller that is, but not necessarily the tale.

But the recent viewing of Angel simply stumped God. "My associates [the Oracles] may have made one stupid decision, but this has gone on too long. I didn't give Angel a soul to be stupid, especially not with Cordelia." God also went on to say that the whole business of promoting popular character Cordelia Chase to Seer, and cutting and dying her hair, had not been approved by Him.

God explained, "Up here, it's very democratic, much more so than down below. Even if I disagree with a complete reformation of character, I can get overruled by a unanimous decision by the Oracles." God then sat back, and shook his head, disapprovingly. "I wish I was omnipotent, but it seems that a certain Marti Noxon has more power over these characters than my own meager divine intervention."

God has been fighting to keep Buffy and Angel together, as a couple, since Angel lost his soul. In November sweeps of 1998, God personally intervened in the episode "Faith, Hope, and Trick", and returned Angel to Earth, as opposed to Hell. But even this was not enough, and the writers tried to separate the two under the guise of the First Evil around Christmas that very year.

"There is no such thing," God laughed, when asked about the First Evil. "It's a bunch of writers who never had girlfriends and didn't know how to shower properly in high school, so they always take it out on me. You have no IDEA how annoying it was to listen to them whine, 'Why God, why don't I have any friends??' So now they're getting back at me." God also went on record to say that he was personally insulted at the attempts to ruin his Christmas cheer.

Which is why after that little stint in "Amends", God wrote in a little snow fall, and actors Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanaz showed immense talent at last minute improvisation, turning the episode into a beloved classic just in time to improve holiday spirits. "It was very reassuring to know that God was looking out for my character and my relationship of choice on the show" said Boreanaz. "I know I would be lost without Him."

However, Boreanaz may yet be lost. When the shows separated in 1999, God mostly lost interest after IWRY. Yet God was extremely displeased when he recently checked up on the shows. The Oracles announced in a press statement that God threw a tantrum and brooded in his room for days, in solidarity with the character he used to identify with. Still, Marti Noxon and her cohorts who had no friends show no signs of relenting. Says Noxon, "I've had beef with God for years. I'll make Him suffer if it's the last thing I do."

Famous last words.

***

Disclaimer: This is completely fabricated. purely for shits and giggles. inspired by the 8/30 Babblers' chat and too much of the onion (www.theonion.com). no offense meant towards any specific religion, belief, or god that happens to read this. nice, not-so-clean farcical, satirical fun. for luce, if she actually wants to post this at the ASSB, and anyone who wants to post it elsewhere, please let me know if there is flaming. In addition, dates are probably real frelled up. I guessed. sue me.
AN2: this is Satan's POV. i made it a response to keep it consolidated. nariya and zion and anyone else-no offense about new jersey for zion and GJ, because it was their idea anyway. also, please don't flame. this is for entertainment. blah blah blah, real disclaimer: i dont know satan or god etc. see the completely fabricated statement above.

***

Satan found paralyzed from waist down last Sunday, with the promos of S4 of Angel: the Series, alternating between frozen and reply on his TiVo. "This is...this is just sick," the Devil said...

--Newark, New Jersey. Emergency medical crews rushed to Satan's private lair in the dump of America, when scores of minions alerted them to his debilitating condition. "I'd never seen anything like it", declared one medic. When asked whether he was referring to Satan's pathetic figure, the medic paused, entranced and horrified by the display on the television. "The TV!!!" he finally wailed, before turning to stone. "Don't look at the TV!!!!" His echoes reverberated around the room, chilling the crews to their bones.

The scene which petrified said nurse was one of the characters Angel and Cordelia, in a revolting scene which could only be filed under "Romance" in a sick and twisted world. At first, the infraction was added to the infinite sins of the Devil, but God rallied to his side.

"Me and Satan have been buddies since, well, basically the dawn of time. He's a sick bastard, but not even his lackey Angelus could have pulled a prank like this." Within a few days, Satan publicly thanked God for his solidarity in such trying times. He added, "In such stressful periods, us superbeings need to stick together, and democratically reach a sound decision as to how to mete out punishment in the afterlife."

Satan later explained that such a crime must have been committed by humans, since no minion of Heaven or Hell would have had the audacity to commit such an atrocity.

In an interview during Satan's stay at the local hospital, the Devil himself broke down, crying. "Who would do this to me??" he cried. "This is beyond evil. Evil I can do. Evil is *what* I do. But this...this is just sick. Sick, repugnant and disgusting. Perverse, even. It's ruining my reputation!"

Indeed it has. Several years ago, under the guise of the First Evil, the writers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer first attempted to separate the star-crossed pair, of Buffy and Angel. That December, the Devil specifically had the Hell (Mouth) freeze over, just so that God could let some snowfall fix the episode known as "Amends." Satan was disgusted that they [the writers] used his name in vain. "I thought that only happened to the guy upstairs! That was embarrassingly NOT evil. That's just obnoxious!" he whined.

Later, when asked why he had been so keen on saving the pair, Satan snickered. "Please, without Buffy, how else am I going to get Angelus back on the show? Gotta represent my boy." But later, the Evil One opened up. "I'm a sensitive guy, folks," he said. "I need my vicarious smoochies, even if I only add fuel to the angst-fire that follows. But really, would they be such a hot pair without the pain and anguish? I think not." We didn't dare disagree.

But now, Satan's name is being defiled yet again. Fans all over have been calling the pair of Angel/Cordelia evil, bad, even sinful. But sitting in his wheelchair, Mr. Bad Himself wants to get the facts straight. "I, Satan, the undersigned, publicly denounce the relationship of Angel/Cordelia." he said. "Please do not call it anything other than it is: sick and perverse. Stop persecuting the Satanic cults and let them worship me in peace--they had nothing to do with the perpetration of this filth."

Fans that are anxious to learn about the fate of Marti Noxon and David Greenwalt will be happy to hear the decisions made in the private council held by God and Satan, to be announced in the fall. "Whatever happens, it's gonna be ugly," said God. "Oh they're gonna pay," concurred Satan, with relish.

We don't doubt it for a minute.

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