I just don’t understand her. I understand every mother says that about their teenage daughter. She seems like all the other girls I see, but she’s not and I can’t put my finger on how she’s different.
All I know is that we have to move and although I know it’s not all her fault, I can’t help blaming her just a little for the pressure she put on her father and me, for what happened at Hemery, for a lot of things.
I want Buffy to be safe and happy. Why do I feel like that’s asking too much?
At first I thought she was going to be one of us. She passed the cool test with flying colours. Really, the best candidate we’d had in the ‘burbs for a while. But then she did this totally un-cool thing and hooked up with those losers Jesse, Xander and Willow. There’s clearly no accounting for taste.
I started to notice the little things after that. How she’d always be lurking in alleys or how she’d arrive at the Bronze wearing country bumpkin couture.
She just wasn’t going to fit in; it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
You know how there’s this girl, this one girl, and whenever you see her she’s like going in slow motion? That’s Buffy. She pretty much diverted my attention away from all the lame-ass girls at Sunnydale High.
And, yeah, sure, not too happy that she chose a blood-sucker over me, but she’ll get tired of him soon enough. He’ll meet his dusty end when he least expects it.
Where was I?
Five words to describe Buffy? Beautiful. Strong. (Maybe not all guys would dig that, but I think it’s cool.) Well-proportioned. That’s one word, right? Sexy. Punny.
Get it? Pun-ny.
Vampires don’t have many natural enemies. We’re sort of the top of the food chain. But a Slayer’s our natural adversary and if I’d been a different sort of demon I would have taken great pleasure in killing her.
But that’s not the way this story is going to play out. I knew it the first time I saw her. And she knew it, too, when we met in the alley. When I gave her the cross. After I kissed her.
Falling in love with Buffy taught me something about the gypsy curse. I did have much more to lose.
I hated her. She was too ‘play-it-by-the-rules’ girl. I’m more of an ‘act-first-think-later’ girl.
Sorry, this was about her, right?
Yeah, well, she tried to be my friend, I’ll give her that. And I kept pushing her away because I have my own shit. Didn’t stop her though. She was tenacious or stubborn. Or is that the same thing?
I didn’t realize how much I wanted to—be her until I was. Until I had her life. It wasn’t simple. Having people who love you doesn’t make things simple.
I understand her now and I don’t hate her anymore.
One look at Buffy and I knew I was in over my head. Didn’t stop me because sometimes you just have to take a chance. She was worth it. In the end, I mean, not necessarily during because, man, I got pummeled and I’m not just talking about Angel.
Buffy was fierce. And smarter than anyone gave her credit for. I don’t even think she took herself seriously enough in the smarts department.
I’m gonna say timing. Buffy and me. Bad timing.
Or maybe it was more. Maybe I just wasn’t dead enough for her.
I guess it still stings.
She never really saw me. I always thought she was so self-centered. I thought: so she saved the world a few times, so what?
But then she did see me. She really looked at me and I knew that being Buffy had to be the hardest thing in the world. Even harder than being me.
She said she loved me and she jumped off that tower and I can remember thinking, I could never be that brave. I could never make that sacrifice.
The thing about Buffy is she made them all the time. Just, no one ever really noticed.
Sod it all.
She’s impossible. I wanted to kill her even after I fell in lo—
She made me want to change and for someone who’s been alive for a bloody long time, that’s something.
It wasn’t any different for Angel. Buffy is light and we’re dark. Souled, chipped, doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. We’re demons.
I wanted to touch that light and she wanted the dark. She’ll deny it, play the good girl, but there’s a part of her that craves it. How else do you explain her thing for vampires because two…well, I see a pattern.
I thought it was a mistake that first day, when she sat beside me. Because she was all, you know, blonde and perfect. Xander noticed her in a way that he’d never noticed me and I noticed him noticing her.
It wasn’t always demon stuff, you know. Sometimes we just got to do girl stuff. Shop and talk about boys and later—girls.
I wish I could bring her back.
But it’s not what she’d want. I’d give anything for her to be with us, but I know it’s not what she’d want.
I really miss her though.
She was rebellious from the start. It wasn’t the life she imagined for herself and I should think the discovery that she had been chosen for a different sort of destiny would be something of a, what do you say…bummer?
But she was more than equal to the job at hand. Better than the job really. In the end, it wasn’t just her calling- it was the very essence of her. Buffy is…well, was, that rare combination of daring and grace. She was the best of us even at her very worst.
I’m sorry. I can’t go on just now.
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