The Birds and the…Birds

The Birds and the…Birds

By Dancetomato

Rating: Adult - Graphic, anatomically correct descriptions of gay sex.
Inspiration: For mooseal's’s 30th birthday, I wrote an Oz/Xander drabble that included an allusion to a very awkward conversation in which Giles explains gay sex to Buffy. This is that truly horrifying encounter.
Pairing: Giles and Buffy gen
Warning: Embarassed watchers and overuse of the word “stimulate”
MANY thanks to winterlive for the rockin’ beta. She made my Buffy voice actually sound like Buffy’s voice.

***

“Giles?”

“Hmm?” Giles very deliberately did not look at Buffy. Just ignore her, he thought, and maybe she’ll go away.

He’d been working on this translation all afternoon. All the while Buffy paced restlessly around the Magic Box. He’d had to scold her numerous times for randomly picking up items in the shop. You never knew what could happen: floods, flames, bunnies. Please, Lord, let it be evening and time for patrol. A bored slayer is a bloody annoying slayer.

“What exactly do boys do?”

Giles scribbled furiously, then frowned at his translation. The son of the destroyer shall wear hot pink. Somehow that didn’t seem right. In his mind he saw a slimy demon tiptoeing around like a hippo in a pink tutu dancing to Tchaikovsky. “Do?” he asked with studied indifference.

“You know. When they’re together. What do they do?”

“Drink beer and play cricket. Now, unless you want to be attacked by demon ballerinas, I need quiet so that I can work on translating this prophecy.”

Buffy frowned. “Just what is the point of cricket anyway? I saw it on ESPN2, and it just looked like a bunch of guys with wooden sticks sweating in white flannel.”

Giles did not take the bait. There was no way he was going to try to explain the majestic intricacies of cricket to an American. Especially not to an American who only turned on sports networks to see boys in tight pants slapping each other on the bum. No, he was not going to fall into tha trap again.

“Whatever. I mean, Giles, what do boys do together? You know, when they're alone.”

“Warm blood!”

Buffy gave Giles a baffled look. “They drink warm blood? I’m not talking about vampire guys. I’m talking about actual guys. Well, and a werewolf, but most of the time he’s a human guy.”

“No, the translation. It’s not ‘hot pink’, it’s ‘warm blood.’” Buffy’s comments finally registered and Giles couldn’t help it. He gave her his attention. Drat that girl and her non-sequiturs. “Buffy, what on earth are you rattling on about?”

Buffy blushed. It was then that Giles knew he was in for it. He’d rather dance at the Bronze on a Friday night in one of those pink tutus than face whatever it was that made the slayer blush.

After giving her throat a good clearing, Buffy started again. “See, I’m happy that Xander and Oz are happy. Okay, so it was weird at first and the kissing? Gross, because, hello, get a room, but also weirdly hot. And I started wondering, what do boys do together?”

“You mean when they have sex with each other.” Giles stated the fact plainly so that Buffy could tell him he’d misunderstood. Please God let him have misunderstood.

“Yeah. I get the boy/girl sex thing. There are parts that go together. But boys don’t have the… receptor parts. It’s like trying to put two pointy Lego ends together. There’s no place for them to… attach.”

“Why in the world are you asking me? Didn’t you have some class on this at school?”

“I was hunting that yargath demon through the sewers the day we did gay sex ed. Besides, I know you’ve done it, so I figured you would know better than Mrs. Firth and her bananas.”

Giles polished his glasses. Oh yes, he polished like he’d never polished before. “What makes you think I’ve done that?”

Buffy put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes at the same time. If that girl could show that kind of coordination in training, they would never have to worry about an apocalypse again. “C’mon, Giles. You mean to tell me that you and Ethan, hopped up on magical LSD, never got it on.”

“I don’t ‘get it on’ with anyone. And it was perfectly normal LSD.” Giles frowned. “I mean, it was tea. Hot Earl Grey tea. No LSD, magical or otherwise.”

Buffy gave him that look.

“Alright, so perhaps once or twice we experimented. With medicinal substances.”

“And then you and Ethan made with the wild monkey sex.”

Giles considered getting an extra pair of glasses. He was going to need a lot more polishing to get through this conversation.

Well, as they say on ESPN2 (home of cricket and proper football, so of course he watched it), the best defense is a good offense. “No wild monkey sex. But yes, as very young men, who were coming to terms with their own sexuality, perhaps Ethan and I once or twice did certain…things of a sexual nature.”

“Good. So what goes where? I mean, I get the whole blow job idea. Although I still don’t know why they call it that. It should be called a suck job. Riley told me I didn’t have to blow at…”

“BUFFY!” Giles raised an eyebrow at his charge.

“What? I’m curious! I heard something about a prostrate. I looked it up, and it means lying down, but I haven’t believed you get anything sex-related out of just lying down since I was eight and my mom told me that when two people loved each other, they would lie down together and then make a baby. So come on. Boys prostrating each other. What’s the big?”

The long suffering sigh was even longer and more suffering than usual. “Prostate.”

Buffy looked puzzled. “No lying down? But what about when you kiss and get the weak knee thing happening? Wouldn’t you fall? Or, oh, do you always have to be against a wall or a table or something?”

“Buffy. It’s ‘prostate’ not ‘prostrate’. It’s a part of the anatomy, not a position.”

“Oh.” Buffy considered this information. “Is that some British slang? ‘Cause here in America, we just call it a dick. Or a cock. Or… okay, there’s a bunch of words. Mrs. Firth always called it a penis and half the class cracked up. I mean, really. What a dumb word. Penis.”

Giles groaned. “Buffy, I’m not… isn’t there someone else you can ask to explain this? Someone who is closer to your age, perhaps, and therefore less likely to have an embarrassment-related stroke?”

“What? No! I can’t ask Xander. It’d be…uncomfortable.” Buffy wrinkled her nose.

She was undeterred by the muttered, “Heavens, we wouldn’t want Xander to be uncomfortable.”

“And Oz is…Oz. He wouldn’t be embarrassed but he also wouldn't use any actual words to explain it. Besides,” Buffy drew out the big guns, “you slept with my mother. So you are practically my father, and it’s your parental duty to explain to me the birds and the bees. Or the birds and the birds. Or would that be girls? Maybe it’s the bees and the bees…”

Giles stood up abruptly. “Is my explaining this the only way to make you stop yammering on?”

Buffy tilted her head, looking at Giles consideringly. “I would say so, yes.”

“Fine.” Giles made it sound like the “F” word. It was an “F” word, just not the “F” word. Though that word would likely make an appearance before all this was over, Giles concluded.

He walked up the stairs to the place where he stored the books he did not want the children to see: Dark Magicks; the distressing chronicles of the murder and mayhem of the Scourge of Europe; and the sex books--the Kama Sutra, the Burnside Compendium of Demonic Reproduction, Tropic of Cancer. Walking over to the bookcase, Giles looked through books until he found the one he wanted.

Returning downstairs, he carried it over to his desk, laid it flat, drew another chair to the desk, and then sat down. “Buffy.” He gestured for her to sit in the chair with the cool, detached air of a librarian about to give a lecture on the Dewey decimal system.

Buffy sat and looked carefully at the diagram in the book before her. Giles watched her turn her head back and forth, as if looking at an abstract painting that may or may not be of a naked aardvark.

“This,” Giles stated dispassionately, “is a cross section of the pelvic region of the human male. The penis and scrotum, containing the testes, are visible from the exterior. Through the penis runs a channel called the urethra. It is through this channel that semen and urine are excreted. The semen is manufactured by several glands, one of which is the prostate gland. The prostate is located behind the penis adjacent to the rectum. Through the rectum, it is possible to manipulate the prostate gland, producing a pleasurable sensation. In homosexual relations, in addition to external stimulation of the penis and testicles, some find it arousing to stimulate the prostate as well.” Giles closed the book with a loud thump. Buffy would just have to ask someone else about the vas deferens because he was finished.

At least in his mind he was finished. Buffy, as usual, had a mind of her own. “How?”

Giles closed his eyes and thought of England. “How what?”

“How do you stimulate the prostate? It looks like it’s tucked up there pretty good.”

“It is stimulated through the rectum.” Really, did he have to repeat himself?

“The rectum?” Buffy’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “You mean…” Buffy made her “ichor on my new boots” face. “Ewww! What do they put up there?”

“Finger. Fingers. Dildo. Penis. Fist.”

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

For the first time in the conversation, Giles actually gave the question some thought. “Yes and no. It hurts, and if done incorrectly it can cause serious damage. But when carefully prepared, it can be quite, in the words of your generation, mind-blowing.”

“Huh.”

“Gay sex is like any kind of sex. It can be fun, exciting, demeaning, boring, or, if you are very lucky to find someone you love, a true union of body and soul. It does take plenty of lubrication, and it helps to be limber.”

“Why limber?”

Giles opened the book once more. Pointing to pictures of men taking one another from behind, above, below and everywhere in between, he explained: “As you said, men are not Legos, so some creativity becomes necessary.”

Off Buffy’s look, Giles clarified, “If they want to fuck each other up the arse.” It was worth it just to see the Slayer speechless for the first time ever.

The bell over the door rang, announcing the entrance of the two boys--men, Giles reminded himself--who had been the source of this curiosity. Buffy slammed the book shut, and she and Giles jumped up awkwardly, looking like two children caught with their hands in the candy jar. Or looking at daddy’s girly magazines. Luckily Xander and Oz were too caught up in one another to notice The Joy of Gay Sex mingled in with the codices and scrolls littering Giles’ desk.

As the young men headed into the training room to get ready for patrol, Buffy unexpectedly pulled Giles into a super-strength hug. “Thanks, Giles.”

Somewhat breathlessly Giles hugged her in return. “You’re welcome.”

Buffy released Giles and bounded off after her friends. Just as she reached the door, Giles called out to her.

“Buffy.” She turned and looked at him. “If you tell *anyone* about this conversation, I will sabotage your hair products.”

“Deal.” And with a smile, his not-so-innocent-anymore Slayer was gone.

The End

Feed Dancetomato
Visit Dancetomato
Return to Writercon Archive
Main