"A Spaiku Intervention"

"A Spaiku Intervention"

By Mere Ubu

Fandom: Buffy
Rating: PG-13 for robotic naughtitude
Summary: 75 Spuffycentric haiku caps from BtVS, S5, "Intervention." In sixteen parts.
Pairing: Spike/Buffy.
Disclaimer: Spike and Buffy belong to M.E. and never to me.
Warnings: Terrible puns.
A/N: Written in Spring 2009 for the LiveJournal Seasonal Spuffy community. Happily for me, this round's theme was "Poetry." Dedicated with love to Herself and Philips. Feedback? Yes, please!

****

Intervention

I.

Heartbroken Slayer
needs a break from Chosen path;
had all she can take.

II.

Nothing left to give.
Have to reach the girl within
before it’s too late.

*III.

Yeah. Strength, resilience,
those are all words for hardness . . .
turning me to stone.

IV.

Watcher intercedes:
desert sojourn may soften
her petrified heart.

V.

Is her love for real?
Intense vows unnerve sister.
Weird love’s better than . . .

*Found haiku taken from episode.

--

Invention

I.

. . . no love for Spike, huh?
Fine. He has alternatives.
Take what he can get.

II.

Eyes the shiny toy,
equal parts lust and distrust.
Will this one want him?

III.

Smells of plasticine,
eyes gleam with synthetic love.
It’ll do for now.

--

Willing Suspension

I.

Watcher shakes his gourd,
does arcane novelty dance;
stewardship transferred.

II.

Cougar spirit guides?
Turtlenecks in the desert?!
Visionquests are strange.

--

Pretension

I.

Juxtaposition—
Buffy gropes to find the truth;
Spike fondles a lie.

II.

Spars with the Slayer’s
robotic doppelganger,
works out his issues.

III.

Gadget likes to play;
what she lacks, she makes up in
enthusiasm.

IV.

Bot’s ecstatic chirps
helpless against you, you fiend!
music to his ears.

*V.

I want to let you
(gasp) bite me and devour me
until there’s no more!

VI.

Wants to be trusted
with her life’s blood, to be found
irresistible.

VII.

Jarred from fantasy—
[Beeeep. Start this program over?]
never be Buffy.

*Found haiku taken from episode.

--

It Came from Another Dimension

I.

God of bad home perms
longs for the hellfires of home.
Slayer holds the Key.

II.

Hatches a new plan:
send simpering sycophants
to find the Precious.

III.

*Who’s new in her life?
Who’s special? Who’s different?
Go get it for me!

*Found haiku taken from episode. --

Unconventional Patrol

I.

Bot on a mission:
“Vampires of the world, beware!”
(Especially one.)

II.

Wakes up on the floor,
in the buff sans Buffybot.
Pants? Where are his pants?!

III.

It’s fun to see friends,
inquire after their loved ones.
Anya seems quite pleased!

IV.

Flustered vamp turns up
to commence damage control;
turns down horny bot.

V.

Xander notices
Buffster’s handsiness with Spike.
Now that? Is damned odd.

VI.

Loitering lackeys
take heed when Slayer becomes
overprotective.

--

Unmentionable Doings

I.

Vamps deftly dispatched,
and yet she itches for more.
Spikey has the cure.

II.

Xander entertains
post-slayage uncertainties,
hears something amiss.

III.

Can I Be Blind, Two:
Buffy! Rocking and straddling—
Spike hips! Hips of Spike!

V.

Scooby handwringing
results in a consensus:
The Boinking Must End.

--

Bone of Contention

I.

What has she become
that only the dead love her?
Is something missing?

II.

Night in the desert:
stares into the fire and sees
a Restless figure.

III.

Poses her query:
is she still able to love?
Is she loveable?

*IV.

You are full of love.
Love will bring you to your gift.
Forgive. Risk the pain.

V.

Death is her gift?! Geez.
What’s the return policy?
Can she exchange it?

VI.

Death is not a gift!
It can only take away,
supplant love with loss.

VII.

Rasta Slayer fades.
No answers; just more questions.
Great big donut hole.

*Found haiku taken from episode.

--

Misapprehension

I.

Blow job suspended
as Hero Harris blows in.
No one bloody knocks!

II.

Insulting, really.
Even if it were Buffy,
none of his affair.

III.

“I’m not a monster.”
Quibble over semantics
halted by henchmen.

IV.

Boy beset, bested
by misdirected minions,
vamp gagged and dragged off.

--

Incomprehension

I.

Bot tires of waiting
for her Master to return.
Go make Spike happy!

II.

Seeks out BFF.
[gay since nineteen ninety-nine]
She’ll know what to do!

III.

Attempts to point out
error of vamp-shagging ways
lead to TMI.

IV.

“I could make sketches.”
Oh, no one needs to see that!
Spike in the Buff?! Eww!

V.

Spike is very skilled
at giving the oral sex.
Like you. ‘Cause you’re gay!

VI.

Reiterations
of her orientation
produce vexation.

A/N: Sorry, but the pun in IV is just never gonna' get old for me. *iz twelve*

--

Detention

I.

This Keyed-up wack job
wants to know about l’il sis?
See her in hell first.

II.

So that thing’s precious?!
Huh. Long as she has it here,
couldn’t hurt to dig.

III.

She’d be just his type
in other circumstances:
vain and unstable.

IV.

Takes more than torture
to check his impertinence;
never could shut it.

V.

Need a quick exit?
Vicious, unvarnished candor
opens walls nicely.

VI.

Taunts his tormentor,
Bob Barkers up the wrong tree
‘til she knocks him loose.

--

Comprehension

I.

Pilgrim’s homecoming
marred by false allegations
and blame—there’s blame now?!

II.

Having sex with Spike.
The who whatting how with HUH???
Inconceivable!

III.

Strong, mysterious,
and compact yet well-muscled . . .
wellll, they were roomies.

IV.

Skirt girl reappears,
nauseating knowledge dawns.
Buffy buys brain bleach.

V.

They couldn’t tell her
from an android concubine?
Sooo discouraging.

--

Circumvention

I.

Though battered and fried,
remains a pain in Glory’s
lame, lopsided ass.

II.

Beaten vamp absconds
via elevator shaft.
(Beats being shafted!)

III.

Upright citizen
can’t stand up for falling down.
Virtue? Stings a bit.

IV.

Duplicate Slayers,
Scoobs brawling with bootlickers . . .
all for l’il ol’ him?

V.

Brave, rescuing Bot
makes ultimate sacrifice
for her own true love.

--

Tension

I.

Checks out her double,
wonders how friends were fooled by
shoddy craftsmanship.

II.

Dawn gasps, “A sex bot?
Not a partner for checkers?
Shyeah, color me stunned.”

III.

Pictures Spike’s treason,
prays for a dusty ending
to her vamp troubles.

IV.

Did he rat them out?
After all, why wouldn’t he?
Soulless Undead Guy.

IV.

Vengeance in disguise:
a Slayer in Bot’s clothing
goes to verify.

--

Attention Must Be Paid

I.

Enters crypt, winces.
Unsure what she expected . . .
not this mangled man.

II.

Shocks just keep coming:
risked his unlife to save Dawn’s.
Why did he do that?

III.

Touched by his good deed
bestows a favor upon
chivalrous vampire.

IV.

Sexy wounds?! Sweet Christ!
Hurts like a buggering bitch.
Bloody hell . . . Buffy.

V.

Forgive. Risk the pain.
If she can feel this for him,
maybe there’s still hope.

VI.

“I won’t forget it.”
Replays her kiss endlessly.
No. He won’t, either.

--

Reinvention

Started with a fake,
ended up with something real.
‘S poetic, that.

The End

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