Worries of a Non-Writer

Worries of a Non-Writer

By Luvsbitch

Rating: I read it, don’t write it.
Notes: Disclaimers: Well duh. But the good news is I heard them all in my head! The bad news is that I heard them all in my head!


Xander: “Like, feed you what? I brought pizza."

Spike: “No you wanker, she means words, not food.”

Xander: “Well, why didn’t she say that then?“

Spike: “Read the paragraph ponce. She has no idea HOW to do the “voices” and voices are words so she wants words. What she wants is for me to give her a story.”

Angel: “How do you know she wants YOUR words? I wouldn’t want your words. I’ve READ your words. Maybe she’s looking for someone with an IQ larger than his shoe size.”

Wes: “Ah then, your talking about me now right?”

Angel: “Well, I was thinking more like me. I mean, I’m smart. I’ve been around a hell of a lot longer than you and I’m more interesting. *looks around* I AM interesting. Besides I’m a man- vampire- of few words. It would be a lot easier for her to write mine.”

Buffy: “What makes you think she wants to write a guy’s voice anyway? She got into this whole thing because she wanted to be ME when she grew up. You know, kick some ass, quick with a quip. I’m a quick quipper. I could FILL books with my words for her.”

Faith: “YOU? Yeah, she really knows how to write middle class valley girl. As if. Nah, if she was gonna write for a girl it would be me. She grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Never had an easy life...”

Cordy: “OH GIVE ME A BREAK. Hard life, yadda yadda. On your own, yadda yadda. You think YOU had it hard? Try going from Daddy’s Princess then a real Princess (okay, another dimension, but still) to incubator for a fully grown woman (and honey, let me tell ya there’s a reason I went into a coma after giving birth to a 121 lb’er.) Now THAT’S tough.”

Willow: “You know, not sure she’d really want to write using her own voice and Cordy, you’re way too close to it. You too, Faith. I think she’d do really well with the babble, and no one is as good at babble as I am. No sir-re. I’m the one that she wants.

Xander: “Ah contraire mon ami (see, I DO remember some of Miss. Fingles French 101) I’m the babbler in this group. World’s cup holder and all."

Anya: *nods* "Yep. He really is. He can go on, and on and on, over the stupidest things. Blah, blah, life in danger, blah, blah. She would get SO tired writing that voice. Plus, really, how hard could it be. You just let a bunch of words form together that make NO sense and look goofy after. Luvs would do best to just write a story with me. And sex. Because she LOVES sex. We all know that and so do I and, well, she could “do” me. See Xander, I do SO have a sense of humor. I made a pun.

See? Xander?"

Xander: *munching on pizza*, “What Ayn? Wasn’t listening. You said sex and my mind went somewhere else for a moment.”

Spike: “Yeah, I bet it did. Right into the bedroom with me. You’ve seen the type of stories she reads. Girl started out all right with a bit of the Buffy and myself then followed a trail to this Slash stuff and has never looked at man-woman sex again.”

Buffy: "Nuh uh. Not true. I happen to know she reads both kallysten 's and nwhepcat 's LJs and loves when they go on with the hetero stuff. This slash? Just a whim.”

Angel: “Whim my ass. Spike, no comments about my ass. My ass is just fine thank you. At least sweptawaybayou thinks so anyway. Luvs totally into the guy-on-guy action. And really, who could blame her. I mean. Look at me. I know I couldn’t resist me.”

Spike: *chokes* “Good thing the rest of us can.”

Wes: “Speak for yourself.”

Luvs: “Guys, come on, just wanted a few words. A little story maybe...”

Gunn: “I’ll give you a story lady. Once there was this handsome man of the African persuasion...”

Lorne: “Who met a demon of the green persuasion...”

Gunn: “OH we are so not going there. I’m straight. Totally. Ain’t nobody can slash me and do it right. Well, maybe that one time with Domestic Piranhas but those two were smoking some crack and that’s the only way you're gonna find me with any one of you with an Adam's apple."

Wes: “Does this mean that you’ll be wanting your shirt back then?”

Xander: “Hey, has anyone seen Giles tonight?”

Buffy: “I saw him drag Ethan downstairs awhile back but I’m pretty sure it’s to beat information out of him.”

Dom: “Hate to interrupt. Nah. I love it...who am I kidding? What makes you think she wants to write about ANY of you anyway? WE’RE her new love ya know. Wasn’t that long ago that she couldn’t figure out which hobbit was which in the movie and now she’s spending all night downloading bits and pieces of sound bites JUST so she can hear me.”

Billy: “You? Mr. Ego? It’s not you she’s listening to love, it’s me. Her wee Scottish fella. She’s remembering fondly all those conversations she had with her milk man all those years ago. How she secretly lusted from affair. Projecting she is, but that’s okay. I’ll just sing her a tale and she’ll soon forget about all of you.”

Dom: “What milk man? You mean the one she spoke to every day for three years and never ONCE understood a thing he said? Oh yeah, she’s just mesmerized.”

Luvs: “Now, no fighting you two. I get enough angst from semaphore27 to last a lifetime without you two going at it in my head. Let’s just leave that to her, she does it so much better."

Dom: “What? Does us? We are them. They. The blokes. You know. Us. But, if you could do me a little favor...can you tell her to maybe heal me? Doesn’t have to be quick. But I’ve been in pain for a long time and frankly I could do with a bit of fluff.”

Elijah: “Anyone mention fluff?”

Giles: “If I can just get everyone’s attention for a moment...”

Xander: “Hey! There you are G-Man!”

Giles: “Oh please. I think I get enough of that in the stories to last a lifetime Xander. Can we just all sit around and perhaps give Luvs just a few real moments of our time? Let’s try and gather up a few words for her. Just a few. She honestly feels very much like an outsider at times and just wants a small story.”

Buffy: “Hey, Giles, you get anything out of Ethan in the basement?”

Ethan: “Heh, I’ll say he did... you know what the ol' Ripper pulled out of his...”

Giles: “That’s enough! Please. Let’s all focus here. We can do this for her. She’s been very, very good to us. Collects all the words onto real paper. By the way, did you know she did that? Prints out 90% of what she reads. She IS a girl after my heart.”

Ethan: “As long as it’s just your heart she’s looking for. I get dibs on the rest.”

Giles: “Sigh. *Insert glasses cleaning here* Look, we are going to do this for her. She’s given an entire year of her life over to reading this fan fiction rot and fawning over all the writers out there so we really do owe it to her to give her something.”

Spike: “I’ll give her something all right. I know her type. Know JUST what she needs and it AIN’T words. Unless they’re dirty. I can do dirty.”

Lorne: “oooooooooooOOOOOOO, tell us your dirty words my little..." *insert pastry of choice here...I’m thinking Devils’ food cake*

Cordy: “When did this go off of me? I was talking about me. Not that long ago either. Doesn’t Luvs always say that it’s just about 'me?'

Willow: “Well, she didn’t mean you you. She means her. Her. Like that poster she has on the her bedroom door. The one that says 'It’s all about me, get over it.' That’s what she means.”

Cordy: “Well. Yeah. Me. That’s what I’m saying.”

Fred: “Does anyone care what I think?”


Fred: “Well then I’ll just be over here doing my math stuff and staying out of everyone’s way. If you see my hair go blue though you might wanna avoid me for a bit.”

Angel: “Giles is right. We need to focus.”

Connor: “Hi Dad.”

Angel: “Go away and play safe somewhere."

Connor: “Funny you should say that as I was thinking that me and my bud Vinnie could maybe go away for a bit with ros_fod and just, ya know, talk.”

Angel: “I love ya son. Really, I do. Now go away and play with this Ros. If Luvs can’t do my voice she sure as hell can’t do yours and honestly? Don’t want her messing with you. God only knows what she’d put into your mouth.”

James: “Speaking of...”

EVERYONE: “Stay out of it!”

James: “Whatever. Hey, Connor, bring your friend Vinnie and we’ll meet out by the fishing hole. Bring your rods. Heh.”

Luvs: “And once again I point out that this is getting out of control. I asked for a few words. Maybe a little something cute? Like a lost puppy story or something?”

Spike: “You hear that Xander. She wants a Puppy story. Should I call in spikedluv to give her some hints?” *insert smirk*

Xander: “Oh very funny Spike. You know she’s not that type. She doesn’t read those really naughty bondage stories...does she?”

EVERYONE: "No!" *feeds Xander some more pizza.*

Viggo: “So, does anyone want to talk about the stars and how they speak to me of colors and such?”

Dru: “Ohhhhhh, I will! I speak to the stars every night!”

Orlando: “Hi gang. Any idea why I’m here? I figure it’s for the sex. I mean, there’s really no other reason to have me hang about.”

Dom: “Nah, your not needed here. Pop over to pick up Lij at the airport. Sema promised some loving to her fans for Lij and you’ve been volunteered."

Orlando: “Alrighty! I can so do that!”

Dom: “He’s a sexy man but a bit of a air head. Still, we love him.”

Xander: “Yeah, from what Luvs reads every chance you get.”

Billy: “Excuse me? I think not. Dom is 100% faithful to his Billy he is. Right Dom?”

Dom: *Eying Wes*, “Er, yeah, right Billy. Undying love and all that.”

Giles: “And once again I will try to pull this all together. Does ANYONE have a few words for Luvs? A short story? A witty antidote? Anyone?”

*birds chirp*

Giles: “Well then. Anyone?”

*More birds chirping. It’s really quite annoying.*

Xander: “Well, I ain’t got anything to give her. I know tons and tons of writers who would kill for my words and I’m going to the highest bidder.”

Spike: “Yeah, like your words would get two bits.”

Xander: “I have you know my words are VERY bitty. Of the bittest.”

Spike: “No one ever knows what you mean luv...its part of your charm.”

Xander: *Eye’s Spike* "Are you flirting with me? Because that is SO not why we're here."

Spike: “Yeah, like I’d lower myself to you.”

Xander: “Oh, you’d lower. You’d really lower. Wanna see the boxes of lowering that she has of you in her room? Oh yeah. You’ve lowed the big one.”

Spike: *smerks*

Giles: “SO!” *quiet* "Does ANYONE have ANY words for Luvs?"

Giles: “No?”

Angel: “Well, the truth is Giles...there are just better writers out there. If I’m gonna give away my words they should go to someone worthy of actually writing them. Luvs is a nice enough girl, if you get past the whips and stuff, but she’s just an amateur. She wouldn’t know what to do with them and well, I’m just not comfortable giving them to her."

*nods all around*

Giles: “So, does EVERYONE feel this way?”

*nods again*

Giles: “Well, I’m sorry Luvs. Looks like it’s pretty unanimous. We’d really rather give our words to those writers out there that can actually. Well. Write.”

Xander: “Hey. *looks about* Where’d she go?”

Andrew: “That Luvs chick? I think she left with Remus and Sirius out the back door.”

The End

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