What one does to get through the night

What one does to get through the night

By Socksister Spikegood

Rating: NC17
Pairing: S/X
Warnings: This deals with some pretty hot m/m sex and also several accounts of self cutting and what not.
Summary: Spike finds out about Xander's little secret life.


Xander walked into his lonely dark room and sadly sat down onto his bed. He had been through some hard days in his life, but this had to be one of the worst. Buffy had some how gotten the idea in her head that he wanted her for more than just a friend, again. She had called him at work on his to tell him, once again, that she was just his friend and that there would be no way she would ever be interested in him that way, so to "get over it".

After work, he went over to Willow's house and was told in no certain terms that she was too busy with her own life and problems; that she just didn't have the time to deal with his right now. Xander was heart broken, Willow had been his best friend since kindergarten and now, just because she had a new girlfriend, she just didn't have time to be with him anymore.

Xander looked over at the tall black candle that he had placed on the stand beside his bed and started to think about how good it would feel to fall back into old habits and numb the pain for a while.

Xander discovered his little piece of heaven several years earlier thanks to his drunk father. Anthony came home plowed, again, and angry. Xander knew that it didn't matter why his dad was angry- just how to get out of his way when he was. Xander didn't move fast enough that night and after one really hard hit he fell into the candles that his mom had lit on the counter. As the flame burned his arm and the hot wax slashed down on to his skin, Xander found that perfect moment of Nirvana. That moment when nothing else mattered and all his pain was removed. He had been hooked on that feeling every since that first time.

After Buffy came into his life he found the bruises from his dad, and the burns from his release were easier to explain away. He would just blame them on one sort of a demon or another. However, all that changed after Spike moved into the basement with him . He learned quickly just how sensitive vampire smelling was the third night that Spike had lived there.

Xander sat on his bed, holding the candle in his hands, and thought back to that night when Spike found out his nasty little secret. He had been fired once again from yet another crappy job, Anya told him that she was done with him. He couldn't give her what she needed anymore and she wanted to find someone that could. His dad came down stairs, drunk of course, demanding his rent a few days early and when Xander didn't have it, his dad decided to take it out of his hide.

When his dad had finally beat out all of his frustrations on him, Xander got up and crawled to the bed. He lit the candle,and reached under the bed to pull out the knife. Xander watched as if in a different world as he drew the blade across his skin. He winced as the razor sharp blade sliced the skin open, he moaned softly as he watched the sweet beads of blood started to form in the cut. Xander felt as if he had walked up the gates of heaven itself as he watched the small beads ran together to form small streams and flow down his arm to his hand.

This was nice, but it didn't give Xander the release he needed. He reached over and grabbed the towel he kept next to the bed just in case he needed it, and wrapped it around his arm. He then took the bloody blade and ran it back thro the flame, holding it there for a while watching the blood start to boil and pop on it. When he felt like he couldn't wait any longer, he pulled the knife out of the flame and pressed it to his naked thigh.

Xander screamed in pain, and then screamed again in estacy. This time he actually came from his sweet release. Xander could see the gates of heaven opening up wide for him as he felt his pain fly out of his body in great cuming torrents. He was so sated that it was all he could do to lift his head and blow out the candle.

The next thing Xander knew, Spike was leaning over him and ripping the blankets down off of his chest and arms. Xander watched as Spike grabbed his arm and started to lick at the already drying blood there. Spike was growling softly as he was licking Xander's cut clean then he stood back up and pulled the blanket all the way off of Xander.

"You git, do you know how badly you are burnt? Not to mention how disgusting this room smells right now, and what is that other smell?" Spike asked as he looked down at Xander's body, his eyes widen slightly when he discovered just what that smell was, the evidence was drying on Xander's blistering skin. It was all Spike could do not to fall to his knees and lick Xander clean. Instead he went into the bathroom, got a soft wet cloth, the first aid kit, and then came out and started to clean Xander.

That night Xander finally found a true friend. He couldn't believe that he was sharing his whole life story with an evil soulless creature, but at that moment it just felt right. He and Spike stayed up the rest of the night and the next day talking and sleeping. Xander was shocked at how much in common they had, he would have never guessed.

Just as the sun was starting to go down the next night, he was getting ready to head to the scoobie meeting that he was told to be at and Spike was walking towards the door to go out and see what demons he could find to kill. Spike turned around, walked over to Xander, grabbed him by the arms hard and growled "If I ever come here and see you like that again boy, I will kill whoever caused you to do it, and then tie you down and teach you what real pain and release feels like. Do you understand me?"

Xander was shocked. He kept waiting for the chip to kick in and when it didn't he really started to get a chill running up and down his spine. The only thing was, it wasn't a chill from being scared, he felt the chill run down him again and then moaned as he felt himself start to grow hard at the thought of Spike hurting him. Spike smiled as he smelt the arousal rolling off the boy, and the reached forward and kissed Xander hard and fast.

That was over two weeks ago and Xander had been trying to be good, but today was just too much. He wanted to feel that wonderful slice, that delicious sensation of burning as the blade slid into his skin. He wanted to feel that blinding white hot release rush tho his body and erupt out of his brain. He wanted to feel numb so very bad he could taste it. Xander looked at the clock, still four hours before Spike was due back, he could do it, get the room cleaned out before Spike came back, and Spike would never know. No one would ever know. Those that did, would never care.

He had just lit the candle and pulled out the knife as Spike walked tho the door.

"Hey Whelp, slayer said I might find you.... what the hell are you doing?" Spike yelled out as he saw Xander laying on the bed, the long black candle lit, and the sharp knife in his hand. Spike rushed over to the bed and grabbed the knife. "So boy, you wanna know what real pain is like? What real release is like?'

Xander couldn't believe it, Spike wasn't supposed to be here, he wasn't supposed to find him like this. This wasn't supposed to happen- but like everything else in his life, Xander felt like he failed at this also
Xander looked up at Spike and just softly nodded his head. He was done. He couldn't handle being nothing the rest of his life, he wanted to feel wanted, needed, he wanted to something finally other than this pain.

Xander saw the anger that was radiating from Spike's golden eyes as Spike leaned over him and ripped his shirt off.

Xander just laid there as Spike slowly undressed him with the knife- cutting away the fabric and making Xander moan when the tip of the knife would nick his skin.

Once Xander was completely naked, Spike pulled back and walked down to the end of the bed. "So boy- didn't believe me, did you? didn't think I was telling you the truth huh? Well now you will know real pain and real pleasure." Spike growled as he leaned down and lifted up Xander's right foot in his soft hands. He snickered as he softly kissed the inside of Xander's ankle and laughed as he watched Xander try to hide a moan. Spike held on to Xander's foot while taking the knife and roughly cutting the bottom of it with the sharp blade.

Xander took a huge breath in and held it as Spike bent his head down to the cut and started to lick it clean. Xander was about ready to let his eyes fall shut in pleasure, when he felt the blade cutting again. This time it was to the inside of his ankle and up his calf in a long deep cut. He looked down and almost came when he saw Spike, now in game face, licking and sucking his skin clean of flowing blood.

Xander laid his head back down and let his eyes fall shut as he felt spike doing the same to the other foot and calf, but he shot up straight when he felt the knife slicing hard into his thigh, followed by Spike growling and sinking his fangs into the wide-open cut. Spike was sucking and groaning in pleasure as Xander grabbed Spike's head and shoved it harder against his leg. Xander thrusted his hips up and howled as he came all over Spike's blonde hair and his own abs.

Xander was laying there numb, as he felt Spike pulling his fangs out of Xander's leg and licking up the last bit of blood before moving up Xander's body to lick it clean of the spilled cum.

The next thing Xander knew, Spike was looming over him, naked, and pissed again. "Did I say you could cum, bitch? you are mine- you're nothing but my little whore, and you will not cum again untill I tell you to- do you understand that?" spike growled out between razor sharp fangs.

Xander felt scared and yet thrilled at the same time, he looked up at Spike and smiled his trademark goofy grin. "Yes master, I understand, master" was all he was able to get out before Spike threw him off of the bed and in front of the small couch in the room.

Spike stepped behind him and sat down on the couch as smug as ever, "Well then, be a good little whore and open up those sweet ass checks so I can see just what it is that I own why don't ya?"

Xander groaned and reached behind himself, hard to do seeing how he was laying with his knees spread wide open and his shoulders holding him up on the ground. He pulled his ass open and grinned when he heard Spike moan. "Humm very nice, Nummy, I am gonna love breaking that sweet thing" Spike said as he pushed Xander's hands out of the way- and pulled the blade of the knife across both of Xander's ass cheeks. Xander screamed as he felt spike preparing him with his own blood. He thought he would die as he felt one finger breach him and knew he was dieing as one became three rather quickly.

Spike leaned back on the couch, stroking Xander's warm blood onto his rock hard shaft, then he growled out- get up here and ride me bitch, and you do not cum till I tell you do, or this stops now" He reached down and pulled Xander up and, forced him down immediately on to his hard shaft without any warning.

Xander screamed in pain as he was filled to the hilt with Spike's cock. He then let his back fall against Spike's chest and started to move his hips back and forth- taking as much as Spike in as he could. He was talking about something but had no idea what when he felt spike's fangs stroke his shoulder blade and Spike's hand reach around to start stroking Xander's own hard shaft. He could feel his body about ready to explode when he heard Spike growl in his ear-

"You. Do. Not. Cum... until I tell you to, you sweet little bitch, my sweet soft whore, you want this don't you? you want me to fucking ram my hard cock up so deep inside of your nice hot tight little ass, huh? Ohhh God yes, Ride me Xander" and felt Spike's fist tightly squeezing his cock to stop the cum.

Spike was amazed at how fast Xander gave into him. The first time he saw Xander cutting himself, he knew that it was time to take the boy, to own him for is own finally.

That was really the only reason he stayed in Sunndydale for all of these years. He knew the boy would be his and now it was time to take what was his. Spike pulled hard on Xander's cock once more as he leaned down to run his fangs along Xander's neck. Spike almost came on the spot as he felt Xander move his head to the side, offering his neck to the master vampire.

Spike licked Xander's neck once and them moved up to whisper in his ear, "You don't cum unless it is me making you cum bitch, you don't bleed unless it is me making you bleed, do you fucking understand me?" Xander quickly nodded his head and gave into the wonderful feeling that was coursing through his body. He screamed and came as Spike roared and then sunk his fangs deep into the boys neck.

This wasn't about love or passion, it was about Spike becoming the master he once was, and Xander finally becoming whole. As Xander came, he could feel all the different parts of himself coming together- the army man, the warrior, the strong proud man he could be and the soft sweet inocennt boy he was, the hynea and the heart, all merging into one being.

Spike drank deeply and then pulled his head back to roar loudly as he flooded Xander's tight chamber with his cum. He slammed himself deep inside of Xander one more time filling him yet again with a second dose of cum, and then bent his head back down to lick the boy's neck clean. "You are mine, all mine, only mine, No one will touch you with out my say so or I will kill them." Xander said the only thing he could say right now, "Yes Master, yours"

Xander and Spike stayed holding each other that way for several hours, with Xander curled up against Spike's chest, letting Spike softly nurse on Xander's neck. Spike loved the way that Xander's blood snapped and crackled on his tongue. There was no way he would ever give this boy up, he would kill to protect this treasured gift of his till the end of time.

Xander laid there and enjoyed the way that Spike's soft growls and deep purr felt like finally coming home and being safe. He was home, this is the feeling he always wanted, but would have never guessed that he would find it in the arms of an evil soulless creature.

They were both very content to just lay there the rest of the night softly talking and touching each other when the phone rang. Xander reached over, grabbed it, and giggled when he heard Spike moan out "Oh bloody hell,we will be there in a bleeding moment slayer," as Buffy's voice came screeching over the line.

Xander was surprised when he put his feet down on the ground and didn't feel pain, he was sure those cuts had been pretty deep and didn't know what to make of this. "Humm, Spike?" "Yeah pet." "Not to sound ungrateful or anything but why don't my feet hurt? They should be hurting, shouldn't they?" Spike was able to shut the full Xander-blabber moment down with just one sharp look and a raise of his eyebrow. "Spit." he answered back with a cute little smile.

"SPIT??!!, You Spit on me-- eww, Spike..." "Xander- do shut up, it is in our saliva, Dru told me something about it once, but she was out of her mind most of the time, so didn't really listen to her about it, Guess we could ask Rupes, if ya want." Spike stopped talking with a grin when he saw the look on Xander's face.

Xander just shook his head no and went over to set on the bed as Spike walked around the room cleaning up a bit, getting his clothes back on, and then picking out an outfit for Xander to wear. Of course, he wanted to dress the boy in skin hugging black leather, but knew that it was way too soon for that.

After they both got dressed and were walking over to Buffy's house, Xander finally got up the courage to ask Spike some questions about what had happened between the two of them earlier and what it was supposed to mean. He knew that he had formed some kind of bond with Spike and felt at home in this vampires arms, **but that is just it isn't it- Spike is a vampire, a soulless vampire** Xander thought to himself before looking over to Spike and asking, "Hey fangless, just what exactly happened tonight, and how could you bite me? when did you get the chip out and does Buffy know? And..."

Spike knew that when Xander finally worked up the nerve to talk about what had just happened and what it all was supposed to mean that he would freak out about it. "Xan, calm down luv, chip is still here, no need to tell Buffy about the biting. See, I think there is something your not telling me luv- not telling anyone. How long have you been the demon magnet pet? A few years now right? Well, I know now why. I felt it when I tasted your blood tonight, it snapped and crackled on my tongue. Was one of the best tastes I have had in my mouth for a long time luv."

Spike stopped walking, turned to Xander, and ran his finger softly down Xander's face as he looked deeply into his eyes, "Not quite all human are ya, pet? Got a wild spirit in you hidden down deep. That is why you crave this Xan, why you want to be taken and mastered. That is why you need to know that when I tell you something, I mean it.

However, Xander, I will never hurt you. I may be a demon, but I am nothing like Angelus was. Believe me when I tell you that no matter what, unless it there is a threat to our lives, I won't control you in front of your friends. You are your own person Xan, but when we are together- you are mine to do with as I please.

Xander looked down into Spike's shimmering blue eyes and let out a deep breath. "Back in high school I was possessed by a hynea spirit, Giles got most of it out of me when he kicked the spirits out of us, but something- something I really didn't understand, felt like it was hanging on to me, like it was wrapping its way around my heart and wouldn't let me go.

I've never told anyone about that, blood breath, not really looking forward to you sharing that tid-bit of info with Giles or Wills. I just don't trust magic anymore after we brought Buffy back. Knowing those two, they will wanna do a spell to get it out of me, and I don't really want them to."

"So you gonna tell me how we are supposed to do this, cuz even tho I really feel like I need you around me, I am not too sure if I even like you.?" Xander asked as he stopped walking. Spike looked up at him and then looked over at what Xander was looking at, without knowing it they had walked all the way to the house and was standing out side.

"We go in there and be ourselves, pet. No need to change that now is there? You and me may never like each other- but we have to be what we are, blokes that happen to get along for right now-- 'sides that, you have all the good beer at your flat, so why wouldn't I be hanging around you?"

"But what about Buffy? Won't she like be able to smell me or feel the difference in me now?" Xander was nearing a full panic and Spike could tell he needed to do something now to calm the boy down. He leaned into Xander and quickly kissed him, "Xander- you aren't a vamp. And never gonna be one if I have my say in the matter, happen to like my toys warm. She can't smell ya pet, and even if she could- she has been too screwed up since coming back to even care. So go on Whelp, times a wasting- lets get in there and learn what we are gonna be killing tonight, I feel the need for some violence tonight."


Xander wandered into his bed room, their bedroom. Spike had moved in over a year ago and they haven't be apart since. But this week, Spike was in LA with his sire and Xander was home alone.

He was tired, tired of it all, fighting with his family, and working with friends that didn't even notice that he was feeling like crap.. He lit his favorite candle, and slowly pulled the knife out of its case. He promised Spike that this was over, but it wasn't. This was an old friend that, sometimes, he felt like he needed in his life.

Spike could totally understand about the need to chase away the pain inside with some pain outside, but didn't want his boy to be hurt. There were many times over the past year that Xander needed Spike to help him chase away the pain, he just wished Spike was there now. But another part of him was happy to be alone finally.

Xander watched as the flame grew hotter and hotter. He picked up the candle and his knife and went into the bathroom where a nice hot bath was waiting for him. He sighed as he slipped into the hot water and felt his body relaxing just to the point he needed it to be. As he layed back in the water, Xander picked up the knife and slide the blade across his upper arm, hissing as the sharp silver sliced open his soft skin reveiling the lovely pink flesh underneath it. He laid his head back and closed his eyes to get to enjoy the truly wonderful feeling of the blood slowing working its up thro the cut, and trickle down his arm. With his eyes closed, he could see the beautiful colors pain makes when it is covering all others.

After the first sensation passed, he lifted his head back up and opened his eyes. Xander slid the blade into the flame. He liked the feeling of the cut, but what he really loved was the feeling of the burn. That was his first love, and as much as he loves Spike now, Xander feels that he will always need to feel that feeling of freedom that he gets when he is perfectly numb.

As Xander pressed the blade against his skin, he closed his eyes and let go. He felt the slight tingling that he knews would lead to his sweet release in just a few seconds. Xander groaned as felt his flesh starting to sizzle under the knife edge, and as he pulled the blade away from his skin, he shuddered in release.

It is all he could do to blow out the candle and force himself to get out of the tub, but once he was out, he made sure to put everything back in its place. Wouldn't do to have Spike find the stuff laying out. Xander knew that Spike would know what he had done the moment he walked in to the room, but still- he felt like he should show at least a little respect.

Once everything was put back in its place and the bathroom was cleaned up, Xander crawled into bed. He layed there and let his body float away as he fell fast asleep.

Xander was so out of it that he didn't even hear his lover come home that night. He didn't hear the sounds of Spike being pissed off. He didn't see the wonderful sight of his lover stripping down to nothing and crawling into their soft bed rock hard. He didn't even feel his lover's wicked tongue as it reached out and licked every wound on Xander's arm. Xander would feel, however, the cold damp spot of his lover's cum that he is laying in in the morning, and with that in mind, Spike began licking him all over again!  

The End

Read part two and three.

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